I lose. Literally.

I don’t know why they allow me to waltz around pretending to be “normal” and also “functional in regular society”.  For real.  You will rarely meet anyone so scattered and confused/forgetful/excruciatingly mentally incapacitated as I.

Exhibit A:  Last winter, I visited a bathroom at my school, only to leave my priceless textbooks and notebook sitting on a shelf, on which I’d placed them whilst washing my hands.  I realized they were missing during my next class when I went to grab my notebook under my chair and discovered a nice blank space of EMPTY.  I had to run clear across campus to grab my books off the shelf, but at least they were still there.  Facepalm.

Exhibit B: Last semester, the one which we will refer to simply as ANATOMY, I visited another bathroom on campus.  I placed my gigantic lab book (estimated value: PRICELESS.)(but more realistically, like, $200.) on another shelf to wash my hands AND!  Left my book on the shelf while I pranced off into the distance.  Only to realize my book was missing when I got home and tried to do my 19 pages of homework and memorization of approx. 4,500 terms for the week.  I frantically searched my school the next day and it was nowhere.  Until finally, I walked into my class the next day with a heavy heart and an empty–of-terms brain, when a random man (or was he an angel?) came into the room with my gigantic book in hand, asking to whom it might belong.  I don’t know how he came into possession of my important book, and I don’t care.  But also, facepalm.

Exhibit C: Last Friday, I was fulfilling a physiology class obligation, and just as I was about to leave, I decided a quick stop in the bathroom would be necessary.  I placed my books on the very same shelf on which I lost my anatomy book, eyed them, and reminded myself, “Self.  You do NOT forget these.”  I washed my hands and got distracted by something shiny.  THEN I LEFT MY TEXTBOOK. AGAIN.  I mean, REALLY?!  The problem this time is that I have bi-weekly reading quizzes, they are a significant portion of my grade, so I can’t just NOT have a textbook.  So, after realizing it was missing that evening, I cried, then I called Isaac and cried, then I went upstairs and pouted, then I ate some ice cream, then I went and bought ANOTHER book.  Because I had to!  Facepalm!

So I’ve been harassing the Lost and Found Department, where I talk to the same tired lady every day and she tells me, “I don’t have any Physiology textbooks!”  and then my heart resumes its residence in my stomach.  I’ve talked to janitors, checked classrooms, and badgered department head secretaries. 

I have until sunset tomorrow to return my new book (or whenever that bookstore closes).  So, if my old book doesn’t resurface by then, I’ll have spent something like $400 on a single textbook.  Well, two single textbooks, but you know what I mean.  I die.

If you see any Physiology textbooks in your general vicinity, will you bring it to me?

But aren’t you glad to know that I’m a valiant hand-washer? 

And don’t you think it’s time I bought a backpack so that I wouldn’t have to carry any of these things in my hands, thereby reducing the risk of leaving important things in every bathroom on campus?