I was born!

Today I am 25.  I feel like I suddenly seem a little more mature, trustworthy, responsible, and car-rentable.  I feel a little less embarrassingly young to have a child, but a little more embarrassingly old to still be hanging around a university.  But I actually like the sound of 25.  25!  People will ask me questions and then consider, “Well, she is 25.  That’s old enough to have a real person opinion about things.  I will take her word for it in just the way I wouldn’t if she were only 24!”  You see?  This is a good thing!  And if you ask Olivia, she’ll opine that I can’t possibly be a day over 4, so I am seemingly young while simultaneously being respectably old.  This is perfect.  Welcome, 25! 

Cara and I went on a birthday date (we are casually dating, it isn’t serious) today.  She bought me sushi:

No, your eyes do not deceive you.  That is tempura shrimp topped with spicy-super-tasty sauce placed lovingly atop a tuna and cucumber roll and a glorious vegas roll.  Sure, they are both a little deep-fried.  Just the way I like them.

And the obligatory photo op: 

I recognize I look twice Cara’s size.  But that is the great thing about being 25!  What does a 25 year old care about looking like a circus tent??  25 year olds are notoriously self-confident!

I also had a small shopping spree.  Said shopping spree might have actually made it to a medium-sized spree, but I made the unfortunate choice of allowing a certain 3 year old to tag along.  3 year olds, as we know, are TERRIBLE SHOPPERS.  And even, REALLY IMPATIENT, UNCARING ABOUT A LOVING MOTHER’S SPECIAL DAY OF BIRTH, GET-ME-OUT-OF-THIS-STORE-SOMEBODY-BUY-ME-A-SUCKER!!!!! shoppers. 

Speaking of 3 year olds:

They are pretty awesome surrogate keyboard players for stuffed bears.

They are honestly spectacular at refusing to be in pictures with their extremely patient, loving, super awesome mothers.

And scaling brick walls tends to be one of their favorite activities.

Victory!

A small moment of seriousness:  I have endlessly vacillated about whether I should even discuss this issue on my little blog.  But I hate having to tiptoe around things to write anything here, so I’ve decided to speak as freely as I can while still being sensitive to others involved.  Am I being cryptic enough to make you crazy?

My life is mess.  A great big jumbled mess.  If my life were a puzzle? It’d be the kind that is 24,000 pieces, plus it’d make you do the Beijing skyline in 3D, and it’d have a motorized part that you’d have to build, but all the instructions would be in Arabic.

Currently, Olivia and I are living with my parents.  We have been dealing with some serious, difficult, deal-breaking issues in our marriage for almost 5 years.   These problems are not new.  My decision to move was not rash or made in a fit of emotion.  Nothing is decided.  Nothing is permanent, but things are pretty sincerely challenging.  The kind of challenging that calls for an introspective, heart-wrenching separation. 

Obviously living with my parents on my 25th birthday with Fathers’ Day right around the corner is less than ideal.  It’s sad and it sucks in all capital letters, bolded, underlined, and in font size one million. 

But.  I feel very strongly that it’s right- for right now.

Some things I know:

1. God loves me.  You guys, there’s just no getting around it.  I pester and haggle and beg and plead and badger Him times infinity and He still listens.  And HELPS.  And comforts me when faint, and all those things.  And goodness golly, am I thankful.

2. If I continue to do the things that I know are right, I will be fine.  More than fine, I will be HAPPY.  I can’t tell you what a blessing this is to know.  No matter where this crazy, winding, unpredictable path of life takes me, I can be happy.  That’s big!  And awesome!  And, in times like these, really reassuring.  (However, this does not mean I’ll be exempt from hardships, obviously.)

3.  If people are nice to me, I will most likely begin to uncontrollably sob and bathe their clothes in my tears.  I can’t help it!  It’s been very embarrassing!  You know who you are.  And, um.  Sorry about all that.  I can handle regular, every day conversations really easily, but if you smile, maybe pat my shoulder, look deep in my eyes, and ask some sort of soul-searching question like, “No, really, how ARE you???”  Well then, you asked for it. 

4. I think I’ve just begun to list random things, so let me wrap this up and try to answer all your questions in one fell swoop:  We are ok.  We will be ok.  Olivia is handling it pretty well (there are good days and bad days for both of us).  I am handling it pretty well.  I don’t know what will happen, but I’ll let you know when we figure it out.  And, again, we’re ok.

5. I just had a moment of horror and indecision.  Should I post this?  Should I erase it?  I’m posting it.  Be nice to me?  But not too nice.  (see #3)